1 00:00:43,443 --> 00:00:46,003 2 00:00:46,146 --> 00:00:48,273 3 00:00:48,415 --> 00:00:52,146 4 00:00:52,285 --> 00:00:54,879 5 00:00:55,688 --> 00:00:58,953 Happy birthday to ME! 6 00:00:59,092 --> 00:01:02,061 Happy birthday, dear Richie, 7 00:01:02,195 --> 00:01:04,527 Happy birthday... 8 00:01:04,664 --> 00:01:06,632 ...to me! 9 00:01:08,435 --> 00:01:09,902 Happy birthday, Richie. 10 00:01:10,036 --> 00:01:14,769 Thank you. Rather a bumper crop of cards this year! Popular guy, you see! 11 00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:18,537 How many cards did you get? How thoughtless of me! 12 00:01:18,678 --> 00:01:20,305 You didn't get any, did you? 13 00:01:20,447 --> 00:01:23,348 Because YOU glued up the letter box. 14 00:01:23,483 --> 00:01:26,350 That's just sour grapes. There was no proof that it was me. 15 00:01:26,486 --> 00:01:30,422 You couldn't get your hands out of your pockets all day. 16 00:01:30,557 --> 00:01:32,923 Mind you, what's new? 17 00:01:35,595 --> 00:01:37,529 "May all your birthdays be happy ones. 18 00:01:37,664 --> 00:01:40,656 "We like you more than Eddie." Aw! 19 00:01:41,668 --> 00:01:43,829 That's nice, isn't it? 20 00:01:43,970 --> 00:01:46,700 Terry Hardacre! 21 00:01:48,975 --> 00:01:52,843 He's written a little joke. "Congratulations, it's your birthday, 22 00:01:52,979 --> 00:01:54,537 "it's time for lots of fun, 23 00:01:54,681 --> 00:01:59,015 "so roll this card up nice and tight and stick it up your bum!" 24 00:02:01,221 --> 00:02:03,917 He is a madman! 25 00:02:04,057 --> 00:02:05,718 Unstoppable! 26 00:02:05,859 --> 00:02:09,351 That's the same card he sent last year, isn't it? 27 00:02:09,496 --> 00:02:12,988 That's the same one he's sent for the last five years, actually. 28 00:02:13,133 --> 00:02:15,431 Same joke as well. 29 00:02:18,204 --> 00:02:20,172 Ooh, I wonder who this one can be from? 30 00:02:20,306 --> 00:02:24,538 - It's the one from Sue Carpenter. - You must be psychic! It is! 31 00:02:24,677 --> 00:02:26,702 It's from Sue Carpenter. 32 00:02:26,846 --> 00:02:29,440 Good old Sue! Mmm! 33 00:02:29,582 --> 00:02:32,073 I really must phone her up more often! 34 00:02:32,218 --> 00:02:35,779 No, Richie. They took out that injunction, remember? 35 00:02:35,922 --> 00:02:40,450 Oh! Here's one from all the lads on the Ark Royal. 36 00:02:40,593 --> 00:02:43,528 Bless 'em! They never forget an old serviceman! 37 00:02:43,663 --> 00:02:46,257 I take it you mean the time you got caught on board 38 00:02:46,399 --> 00:02:49,766 pretending to be the captain just to impress Ethel Cardew? 39 00:02:49,903 --> 00:02:52,599 It worked. 40 00:02:52,739 --> 00:02:55,435 No, it didn't. She got off with the arresting officer. 41 00:02:56,643 --> 00:02:59,510 Yeah, well, it worked for him! 42 00:02:59,646 --> 00:03:01,807 Stop trying to spoil my birthday! 43 00:03:01,948 --> 00:03:05,145 Look, "Best wishes from the lads on the Ark Royal." 44 00:03:05,285 --> 00:03:09,847 But it's in your handwriting! You've sent it to yourself for seven years! 45 00:03:10,623 --> 00:03:12,750 This one's from Rod Steiger. 46 00:03:12,892 --> 00:03:18,558 This one's from Abba with "Happy Christmas 1973" written in it, 47 00:03:18,698 --> 00:03:20,632 and this one's from "the people of the Soviet Union 48 00:03:20,767 --> 00:03:23,861 "in grateful thanks to Comrade Richie"! 49 00:03:24,871 --> 00:03:26,361 It's in Russian! 50 00:03:26,506 --> 00:03:29,066 You just put the Rs the wrong way round. 51 00:03:29,209 --> 00:03:31,837 That's what Russian is. 52 00:03:31,978 --> 00:03:36,108 God! Every year we have to go through this ridiculous charade! 53 00:03:36,249 --> 00:03:43,155 God, you're really weird! This is all because I accidentally ruined your birthday last year! 54 00:03:43,289 --> 00:03:45,348 It wasn't my fault I got so ill 55 00:03:45,491 --> 00:03:47,391 I had to order you to cancel your birthday party! 56 00:03:47,527 --> 00:03:52,760 You weren't ill. You ate a tin of curry powder and painted your face green. 57 00:03:52,899 --> 00:03:57,734 I knew it was a hoax. The paint washed off when that enema backfired. 58 00:04:01,608 --> 00:04:04,839 OK, OK, OK. 59 00:04:04,978 --> 00:04:06,809 Let's sort this out. 60 00:04:07,747 --> 00:04:11,012 We're good friends, Eddie, we've known each other for a long time. 61 00:04:11,150 --> 00:04:15,985 We can talk, and there is something I've been meaning to say for 25 years. 62 00:04:16,990 --> 00:04:18,389 Oh, what's that? 63 00:04:18,524 --> 00:04:20,924 I hate you! I hate you! I hate you! 64 00:04:21,060 --> 00:04:25,156 Crawl away and die in a ditch somewhere, you bastard! 65 00:04:25,298 --> 00:04:29,098 - It was just a joke! - No, it wasn't! 66 00:04:29,235 --> 00:04:30,862 Was it? 67 00:04:31,004 --> 00:04:32,995 Of course it was! 68 00:04:33,139 --> 00:04:35,130 I know these cards are genuine. 69 00:04:35,275 --> 00:04:37,368 The guys from the Ark Royal... 70 00:04:37,510 --> 00:04:40,104 General Pinochet... 71 00:04:40,246 --> 00:04:45,548 I mean, how could you fake something like that? Ha, ha, ha! I was joking! 72 00:04:45,685 --> 00:04:47,778 I'm sorry. 73 00:04:47,920 --> 00:04:49,581 Are you? 74 00:04:49,722 --> 00:04:53,488 - Yes. - Well, write it down, then. 75 00:04:53,626 --> 00:04:55,651 - What? - Go on! There's a pen. 76 00:04:55,795 --> 00:05:00,391 Write down "I'm sorry." Write down "I'm sorry I'm a twat." 77 00:05:00,533 --> 00:05:03,331 Write down "I'm sorry I'm a twat" ten times. 78 00:05:03,469 --> 00:05:05,869 I shall wait for you by the television until you're ready. 79 00:05:08,708 --> 00:05:12,371 "I'm sorry... I'm a twat... 80 00:05:14,480 --> 00:05:16,778 "ten times." 81 00:05:22,188 --> 00:05:24,179 Here you go. 82 00:05:28,961 --> 00:05:33,557 You're forgiven and you may come to my birthday party tonight. 83 00:05:34,467 --> 00:05:37,436 Your what? I was going out tonight! 84 00:05:38,571 --> 00:05:41,506 - What? - I was going out with my real friends. 85 00:05:43,876 --> 00:05:45,969 Well, they can come, too, 86 00:05:46,112 --> 00:05:48,910 so long as they bring a bottle and don't steal all my birds. 87 00:05:49,048 --> 00:05:51,676 Who's going to this party? 88 00:05:51,818 --> 00:05:54,616 I don't know. 20 or 30 of my close chums. 89 00:05:54,754 --> 00:05:57,416 Who's confirmed? 90 00:05:57,557 --> 00:06:00,025 Oh, Eddie, you're so old-fashioned! 91 00:06:00,159 --> 00:06:02,559 Nobody confirms invites these days! 92 00:06:02,695 --> 00:06:06,961 They turn up when they feel like it. It's a very informal arrangement. 93 00:06:07,100 --> 00:06:10,729 I very much approve. It's a breath of fresh air if you ask me. 94 00:06:12,405 --> 00:06:12,996 So no one's confirmed. 95 00:06:13,139 --> 00:06:16,836 That's right. No one. It's great! 96 00:06:19,078 --> 00:06:22,138 Oh! By the way, Eddie! 97 00:06:22,281 --> 00:06:23,873 Er-huh-huh! 98 00:06:25,418 --> 00:06:27,215 What are you doing now?! 99 00:06:27,353 --> 00:06:29,617 100 00:06:29,756 --> 00:06:31,724 Oh, I see! 101 00:06:32,358 --> 00:06:34,792 Happy Birthday, Richie. 102 00:06:34,927 --> 00:06:39,523 You shouldn't have! I don't like anyone to make a fuss on my birthday! 103 00:06:39,665 --> 00:06:42,156 A bit small, isn't it? 104 00:06:42,301 --> 00:06:44,792 Is this how much you value our relationship? 105 00:06:44,937 --> 00:06:47,565 Oh, well, what the hell, I may as well be nice about it. 106 00:06:47,707 --> 00:06:49,902 Ooh, I wonder what it is? 107 00:06:50,042 --> 00:06:52,806 Ooh, it's a comb! 108 00:06:54,180 --> 00:06:57,172 It's MY comb! 109 00:06:57,316 --> 00:06:59,944 It's my comb that I lost last week. 110 00:07:00,086 --> 00:07:03,681 And now I'm giving it back to you! Happy birthday! 111 00:07:03,823 --> 00:07:06,553 Look, this isn't some sort of joke, you know. 112 00:07:06,692 --> 00:07:09,456 This is my birthday! 113 00:07:09,595 --> 00:07:13,463 Now, take this wrapping paper and get me something good or else! 114 00:07:13,599 --> 00:07:16,466 All right. All right. 115 00:07:19,972 --> 00:07:21,735 Happy birthday! 116 00:07:21,874 --> 00:07:27,506 Ooh! That's more like it! That's bigger, isn't it? I wonder what it is? 117 00:07:27,647 --> 00:07:30,514 It's the remote control from the television set! 118 00:07:30,650 --> 00:07:33,312 What do you want to watch, Birthday Boy? 119 00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:37,651 Right, Eddie, this time you've really overstepped the mark! It's a fight! 120 00:07:37,790 --> 00:07:42,022 Hang on, hang on, hang on! I've got your real present here. 121 00:07:42,161 --> 00:07:43,822 It's a piece of paper! 122 00:07:43,963 --> 00:07:45,897 It is a small piece of paper! 123 00:07:46,032 --> 00:07:47,693 Read it! 124 00:07:50,403 --> 00:07:53,736 "Madame Swish, 3.30." 125 00:07:54,740 --> 00:07:57,208 Oh, Eddie, 126 00:07:57,343 --> 00:07:58,935 you haven't! 127 00:07:59,078 --> 00:08:00,875 Oh, what a pal you are! 128 00:08:01,013 --> 00:08:03,607 Madame Swish! 129 00:08:03,749 --> 00:08:06,115 Ooh-er! 130 00:08:07,587 --> 00:08:10,579 God, at last I'm really gonna do it! 131 00:08:11,591 --> 00:08:14,082 And on my birthday as well! 132 00:08:14,227 --> 00:08:16,422 Ooh! I wonder what she's like? 133 00:08:16,562 --> 00:08:19,622 She's a dead cert, mate. A real stayer! 134 00:08:19,765 --> 00:08:21,255 Really? 135 00:08:21,400 --> 00:08:25,393 - Yeah, she'll come first. - What, before me? 136 00:08:25,538 --> 00:08:27,631 Good grief, that's quick! 137 00:08:27,773 --> 00:08:29,138 So she'll think I'm great! 138 00:08:29,275 --> 00:08:32,506 Oh, what a pal you are! And it's all paid for? 139 00:08:32,645 --> 00:08:34,545 Not exactly. I need a tenner. 140 00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:36,910 A tenner's quite cheap, isn't it? 141 00:08:37,049 --> 00:08:40,644 Well, no, in that case, it's a tenner each way. 142 00:08:44,223 --> 00:08:47,124 Well, how many ways are there? 143 00:08:47,260 --> 00:08:50,923 Well, you'll come first, second or third, won't you? 144 00:08:54,400 --> 00:08:57,233 Well, how many people are gonna be there? 145 00:08:57,370 --> 00:08:58,735 Well, a few thousand. 146 00:08:58,871 --> 00:09:01,271 - What?! - Well, it's Kempton! 147 00:09:01,407 --> 00:09:03,967 I can't get down to Kempton by 3.30! 148 00:09:04,110 --> 00:09:08,137 You don't have to, mate. It'll be on the telly! 149 00:09:08,281 --> 00:09:11,944 They're going to televise it?! What if my auntie's watching? 150 00:09:12,084 --> 00:09:14,177 What's illegal about betting on a horse? 151 00:09:14,320 --> 00:09:17,517 A horse? Madame Swish is... is... a horse? 152 00:09:17,657 --> 00:09:20,649 Yeah! Why, what did you think it was? 153 00:09:20,793 --> 00:09:24,729 Oh, no, nothing, nothing. I was just checking. 154 00:09:24,864 --> 00:09:27,332 I have given you a red-hot tip. 155 00:09:27,466 --> 00:09:31,630 I know, and there's nothing I can do about it now, is there? 156 00:09:31,771 --> 00:09:34,239 That horse... 157 00:09:36,075 --> 00:09:38,100 That horse is an absolute cert! 158 00:09:38,244 --> 00:09:41,338 - It's a fantastic birthday present! - All right. I'm sorry. 159 00:09:41,480 --> 00:09:44,574 I was just being silly. 160 00:09:44,717 --> 00:09:47,242 Well, how much should I put on it? 161 00:09:47,386 --> 00:09:50,446 Give us 20 quid and I'll see what I can do. 162 00:09:50,590 --> 00:09:52,353 OK, there you are, old mate. 163 00:09:52,491 --> 00:09:55,016 Thanks, mate! Happy birthday! 164 00:09:58,097 --> 00:10:00,497 165 00:10:00,633 --> 00:10:02,658 166 00:10:02,802 --> 00:10:05,566 167 00:10:09,909 --> 00:10:11,570 168 00:10:11,711 --> 00:10:14,839 Careful, Eddie! 169 00:10:14,981 --> 00:10:17,347 - Did we win? - No, we lost. 170 00:10:17,483 --> 00:10:19,542 - Damn! - Only joking! 171 00:10:19,685 --> 00:10:22,347 - You mean we won? - Yep, indeedy-do! 172 00:10:22,488 --> 00:10:26,288 Fantastic! I knew I was great! What were the odds? 173 00:10:26,425 --> 00:10:29,326 - Ten to one. - Ten to one! 174 00:10:30,329 --> 00:10:33,992 - Is that good? - Well, you gave me ten, didn't you, 175 00:10:34,133 --> 00:10:36,931 so, you get one. Ten to one! 176 00:10:37,069 --> 00:10:41,005 Brilliant! What a fantastic birthday present! 177 00:10:42,008 --> 00:10:45,535 Hang on, hang on! 178 00:10:45,678 --> 00:10:48,442 I gave you TWO tenners! 179 00:10:48,581 --> 00:10:53,484 - Caught me out, eh? - You don't get much past old Richie! 180 00:10:53,619 --> 00:10:56,087 Yeah, you're right there. 181 00:10:56,222 --> 00:10:58,122 Here's your other quid. 182 00:10:58,257 --> 00:11:02,216 I knew today was my lucky day! Toss it over! 183 00:11:04,930 --> 00:11:06,955 Oh, God, oh! 184 00:11:07,099 --> 00:11:09,294 Shit! What's that doing there? 185 00:11:09,435 --> 00:11:11,198 Eddie! Eddie! 186 00:11:11,337 --> 00:11:15,364 Ow! Ow! Eddie, my leg's pointing the wrong way! 187 00:11:15,508 --> 00:11:18,841 - Well, point it the right way! - Ow! 188 00:11:18,978 --> 00:11:21,378 Ow! I can't! 189 00:11:21,514 --> 00:11:24,039 Hang on, I'll give you a hand. 190 00:11:25,384 --> 00:11:26,908 Agh! Argh! 191 00:11:27,053 --> 00:11:29,044 Arrgh! 192 00:11:29,188 --> 00:11:31,452 Agh! 193 00:11:34,026 --> 00:11:37,484 No! 194 00:11:37,630 --> 00:11:41,396 Hang on, I'll try it from a different angle. 195 00:11:41,534 --> 00:11:44,128 Arrgh! 196 00:11:45,137 --> 00:11:48,004 - Oh, God! Oh, God! - It's no good. It won't budge. 197 00:11:48,140 --> 00:11:50,370 Oh! Get the ambulance! 198 00:11:50,509 --> 00:11:53,239 We haven't got an ambulance! 199 00:11:53,379 --> 00:11:56,280 Anyway, we don't need one because I've just had a fantastic idea! 200 00:11:56,415 --> 00:12:01,352 Oh, God! Oh, God! I'll never walk again! I'll never play tennis! 201 00:12:01,487 --> 00:12:04,547 You'll have to carry me to the toilet! You'll see my knob! 202 00:12:06,192 --> 00:12:11,129 Right, just relax, because you might feel a moment's discomfort! 203 00:12:11,263 --> 00:12:13,026 OK. 204 00:12:23,042 --> 00:12:25,442 Ow! 205 00:12:25,578 --> 00:12:27,170 Ow! 206 00:12:27,313 --> 00:12:31,044 Forwards, forwards, Eddie. Stop! Stop! 207 00:12:31,183 --> 00:12:33,617 I'm stuck! I'm stuck! 208 00:12:33,753 --> 00:12:36,722 Just leave it here. That's fine, Eddie. No! 209 00:12:37,723 --> 00:12:39,987 That's fine. That's fine. 210 00:12:40,126 --> 00:12:42,560 Thank God we're home! I couldn't believe that nurse! 211 00:12:42,695 --> 00:12:45,289 All I said was, "Have you seen the Singing Detective?" 212 00:12:45,431 --> 00:12:49,231 And she twatted me with a kidney dish! What time is it? 213 00:12:49,368 --> 00:12:52,496 It's exactly 30 seconds to seven o'clock. 214 00:12:52,638 --> 00:12:56,130 Damn! I've got no time to put on my girl bait underpants. 215 00:12:56,275 --> 00:13:00,234 Right. Give us a countdown to the final few seconds, old mate. 216 00:13:00,379 --> 00:13:02,939 Okey-dokey. 217 00:13:03,082 --> 00:13:08,645 Five... four... three... two... one! 218 00:13:08,788 --> 00:13:10,813 Ha-a-a! 219 00:13:13,926 --> 00:13:18,386 Right, it's a disaster, isn't it? I haven't any friends 220 00:13:18,531 --> 00:13:20,761 so I'm going to kill myself. Get the razor blades. 221 00:13:20,900 --> 00:13:24,563 Right you are, old mate, safety or non-safety? 222 00:13:28,107 --> 00:13:30,837 Oh, hurrah! They're here at last! 223 00:13:30,976 --> 00:13:35,379 Playing the old "I'm late" gag to the hilt! What great mates I've got! 224 00:13:35,514 --> 00:13:37,311 Wait, I'm coming! 225 00:13:37,449 --> 00:13:40,680 Had an accident. I'm not very quick. 226 00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:42,720 Don't go! Don't go away! 227 00:13:42,855 --> 00:13:45,016 Here I am! 228 00:13:46,659 --> 00:13:49,924 Welcome one and welcome all! 229 00:13:50,529 --> 00:13:54,465 - Who on earth are you? - Sorry, we've come to the wrong house. 230 00:13:54,600 --> 00:13:56,227 We're looking for Chopper Hitler. 231 00:13:56,368 --> 00:13:59,565 Chopper? Is there something I don't know, Eddie? 232 00:13:59,705 --> 00:14:02,071 - Hello, boys, come on in. - What? 233 00:14:02,208 --> 00:14:06,235 Don't mind him. He's just waiting for his mates to turn up. 234 00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:11,916 Right, here we go, then. Here's the punch. Get stuck in! 235 00:14:12,051 --> 00:14:16,044 Thanks, Eddie. Here, my wife's gone to the West Indies. 236 00:14:16,188 --> 00:14:20,215 - I didn't know that. - She went on Tuesday. 237 00:14:20,359 --> 00:14:22,520 It was funnier in the pub. 238 00:14:22,661 --> 00:14:24,288 Are you not having a drink? 239 00:14:24,430 --> 00:14:27,831 We haven't got time, not if we're going to this party. 240 00:14:27,967 --> 00:14:31,300 - No, I'm afraid this IS the party. - Oh. 241 00:14:31,437 --> 00:14:34,929 Could you put that down, please? 242 00:14:35,074 --> 00:14:36,974 - Just put that down! - What's wrong with it? 243 00:14:37,109 --> 00:14:39,373 Never mind. Can I have your names? 244 00:14:39,511 --> 00:14:43,311 Richie, these are my friends that you said I could invite - 245 00:14:43,449 --> 00:14:46,111 Spudgun and Dave Hedgehog. 246 00:14:47,586 --> 00:14:51,249 Oh, well, this is rather difficult for me 247 00:14:51,390 --> 00:14:53,881 because you see, you've only really been half-invited. 248 00:14:54,026 --> 00:14:56,392 You're not on the A-list, 249 00:14:56,528 --> 00:15:00,225 but, as it is my birthday, yes, I will let you stay, 250 00:15:00,366 --> 00:15:02,960 but I'm afraid I can't let you stay properly 251 00:15:03,102 --> 00:15:06,162 so I'll have to ask you to stand in that corner, please. 252 00:15:09,174 --> 00:15:10,869 Quicker! 253 00:15:11,010 --> 00:15:12,944 Right, that's fine. Now, stay there. 254 00:15:13,078 --> 00:15:16,445 If you want to go to the toilet, put your hand up. 255 00:15:16,582 --> 00:15:19,574 I'm going to see if anyone's come yet. 256 00:15:20,119 --> 00:15:22,644 There's a new Give Way sign at the junction. 257 00:15:22,788 --> 00:15:24,187 - Yeah. - Hmm. 258 00:15:24,323 --> 00:15:27,918 Excuse me! Can you keep it down a bit, please?! 259 00:15:28,994 --> 00:15:30,985 Good grief! 260 00:15:31,997 --> 00:15:34,397 They've painted the road markings to match. 261 00:15:34,533 --> 00:15:36,865 - Did you see that? - Yeah. 262 00:15:37,002 --> 00:15:40,301 For Christ's sake! Can't you keep a lid on it for a moment?! 263 00:15:40,439 --> 00:15:42,532 I can't hear if anyone's knocking on the door! 264 00:15:42,675 --> 00:15:47,578 There could be thousands queuing by now! Oh, Christ! 265 00:15:47,713 --> 00:15:52,013 I'll have to check! No moving into the middle of the room while I'm away! 266 00:15:55,054 --> 00:15:57,318 Is he gonna be a long time? 267 00:15:57,456 --> 00:16:00,152 I'd do it in your glass, mate. 268 00:16:01,026 --> 00:16:02,550 Hello? 269 00:16:02,695 --> 00:16:04,856 Is anyone coming? 270 00:16:10,235 --> 00:16:12,635 271 00:16:12,771 --> 00:16:15,103 272 00:16:15,240 --> 00:16:17,868 273 00:16:18,010 --> 00:16:20,274 274 00:16:26,251 --> 00:16:29,584 You can't come in! It distinctly said on the invite "No jeans"! 275 00:16:29,722 --> 00:16:33,021 Where's your bottle? You can't come in either, then! 276 00:16:33,158 --> 00:16:38,152 And you 20 birds, I told you no bikinis! Bugger off! 277 00:16:38,297 --> 00:16:42,893 None of you can come in! That's right, all 2,000 of you, bugger off! 278 00:16:43,035 --> 00:16:46,004 I'd rather play with Eddie and his great mates! 279 00:16:46,138 --> 00:16:49,505 Yes? 280 00:16:49,641 --> 00:16:53,543 I don't care if you ARE Valerie Singleton in the nude, bugger off! 281 00:16:54,980 --> 00:16:57,244 You should see a doctor, mate. 282 00:16:58,183 --> 00:17:02,381 Guys! I have fixed it! Come on out of the corner! 283 00:17:02,521 --> 00:17:04,751 I've fixed it so you don't have to stay there any more! 284 00:17:04,890 --> 00:17:08,849 I don't know if you heard me or not, but I told everyone else to go away! 285 00:17:08,994 --> 00:17:13,488 Yeah, I did. I thought, "Let's just have a nice little private party, 286 00:17:13,632 --> 00:17:15,930 "me, Eddie and his two great mates!" 287 00:17:16,068 --> 00:17:20,562 We're the hard core, aren't we? Come on! Drinks all round! 288 00:17:23,008 --> 00:17:24,270 So... 289 00:17:24,410 --> 00:17:26,537 Er, mate... 290 00:17:27,980 --> 00:17:31,746 Tell me about this road sign. Sounds great. 291 00:17:31,884 --> 00:17:35,149 - Is it all right to talk, Eddie? - Yeah. 292 00:17:35,287 --> 00:17:38,723 Well, they put up this new road sign which says "Give Way", 293 00:17:38,857 --> 00:17:41,325 but the old one said "Give Way" as well, 294 00:17:41,460 --> 00:17:44,623 so there's no difference, they're just the same, 295 00:17:44,763 --> 00:17:48,722 so what I was saying was, why did they put up the new one? 296 00:17:48,867 --> 00:17:51,301 Everything would have just been the same. 297 00:17:54,973 --> 00:17:58,101 Ha, ha, ha! Fantastic! 298 00:17:58,243 --> 00:18:01,110 That's incredible! We're really the guys, aren't we? 299 00:18:01,246 --> 00:18:06,411 Let's get completely drunk and play Postman's Knock! Where's that sherry? 300 00:18:16,161 --> 00:18:19,562 It's a bit warm, isn't it? 301 00:18:19,698 --> 00:18:22,826 - So what's Postman's Knock, then? - Oh, right. 302 00:18:22,968 --> 00:18:25,562 Well, mate... 303 00:18:27,206 --> 00:18:28,969 - What's your name again? - Spudgun. 304 00:18:29,108 --> 00:18:31,906 Spudgun. Why do they call you Spudgun? 305 00:18:32,044 --> 00:18:35,138 Give me a potato and I'll show you why. 306 00:18:37,116 --> 00:18:38,140 No, Richie, you don't want to see that! 307 00:18:39,151 --> 00:18:41,085 Why are you called Hedgehog? 308 00:18:41,220 --> 00:18:44,383 Give me a hedgehog and I'll show you why. 309 00:18:44,523 --> 00:18:48,892 Let's move on. What are the rules to this fantastic Postman's Knock? 310 00:18:49,027 --> 00:18:53,191 Right. It's great! All the birds sit round in a vast circle, right? 311 00:18:53,332 --> 00:18:58,167 Then I go out into the hall and the birds come and snog me. 312 00:18:59,571 --> 00:19:01,471 We'll give that a miss. 313 00:19:01,607 --> 00:19:03,871 - What about Sardines? - What about 'em? 314 00:19:04,009 --> 00:19:07,001 - They're a kind of fish, aren't they? - Ha, ha, ha! 315 00:19:07,146 --> 00:19:11,139 That's right, they are! We're incredible, aren't we? 316 00:19:11,283 --> 00:19:13,444 What a great time we're having! 317 00:19:13,585 --> 00:19:15,985 Let's be sensible and sort out the rules. 318 00:19:16,121 --> 00:19:18,248 Right, Sardines is a game, right? 319 00:19:18,390 --> 00:19:21,757 One of us goes and hides and the others have to look for him, 320 00:19:21,894 --> 00:19:23,828 but when they find him, 321 00:19:23,962 --> 00:19:27,557 they hide with him and they snog with him... 322 00:19:27,699 --> 00:19:29,690 ...if they want to... 323 00:19:29,835 --> 00:19:31,598 If they're a bird, right? 324 00:19:31,737 --> 00:19:35,264 Which we're not so we won't. I don't know - maybe give it a try? 325 00:19:35,407 --> 00:19:37,841 No, we won't give it a try! 326 00:19:37,976 --> 00:19:40,171 OK, so who wants to go and hide? Me! 327 00:19:40,312 --> 00:19:44,806 Ha! Fooled you! Right, close your eyes and off we go! 328 00:19:44,950 --> 00:19:47,145 Close your eyes. 329 00:19:47,286 --> 00:19:49,481 Stop peeking, will you! 330 00:19:49,621 --> 00:19:53,284 I know we're mates, but you've got to do things properly, all right? 331 00:19:53,425 --> 00:19:55,950 OK, here goes. 332 00:19:58,330 --> 00:20:01,060 Damn! That's no good! 333 00:20:08,774 --> 00:20:11,174 Eddie! Eddie! 334 00:20:11,310 --> 00:20:14,438 You've got to take me upstairs and hide me in the cupboard! 335 00:20:14,580 --> 00:20:16,741 - What? - Take me upstairs 336 00:20:16,882 --> 00:20:18,440 and hide me in the cupboard! 337 00:20:18,584 --> 00:20:20,984 I can't get upstairs by myself. 338 00:20:21,119 --> 00:20:23,679 I can't get you up the stairs on my own! 339 00:20:23,822 --> 00:20:26,222 Ask your great mates to help me. 340 00:20:26,358 --> 00:20:27,985 OK. 341 00:20:28,126 --> 00:20:31,391 Right, we've got to take him upstairs and hide him in the cupboard. 342 00:20:31,530 --> 00:20:34,897 Don't tell them! Just tell them to keep their eyes closed. 343 00:20:35,033 --> 00:20:37,228 We're going somewhere secret. 344 00:20:37,369 --> 00:20:40,270 You've got to keep your eyes closed, 345 00:20:40,405 --> 00:20:43,203 because it's a secret that we're gonna hide him in the cupboard. 346 00:20:43,342 --> 00:20:46,140 OK, right. Let's go! 347 00:20:46,278 --> 00:20:49,304 Keep your eyes closed. 348 00:20:49,448 --> 00:20:51,006 Careful! Careful! 349 00:20:51,149 --> 00:20:55,711 Left here. Steady, guys. Keep your eyes closed. Keep your eyes closed! 350 00:20:56,588 --> 00:21:02,151 Come on. Up we go. Come on, push! This is supposed to be fun! Careful! 351 00:21:02,294 --> 00:21:05,024 Keep your eyes closed. Put me down. 352 00:21:05,163 --> 00:21:07,563 This is gonna be great. Wheel me backwards. 353 00:21:07,699 --> 00:21:12,295 Backwards, backwards. Isn't it nice here in the cellar? 354 00:21:14,840 --> 00:21:20,403 Right, keep your eyes closed, run downstairs and count to ten before you start, OK? 355 00:21:20,545 --> 00:21:22,740 OW! 356 00:21:33,225 --> 00:21:34,715 Right! 357 00:21:34,860 --> 00:21:39,957 One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten! 358 00:21:40,098 --> 00:21:45,161 Well, that's us safe for a couple of hours. What do you fancy, lads? 359 00:21:45,304 --> 00:21:46,737 Let's have a drink and watch the telly. 360 00:21:46,872 --> 00:21:49,397 - Good idea. - Okey-dokey. 361 00:21:50,575 --> 00:21:55,774 Oh, great, look! It's "War and Peace"! And it's only just started! 362 00:22:02,788 --> 00:22:05,416 What a crap film! 363 00:22:05,557 --> 00:22:07,457 I knew it was going to end like that. 364 00:22:07,592 --> 00:22:11,585 - How do you know that? - I've seen it 17 times. 365 00:22:11,730 --> 00:22:16,633 Four hours 20 minutes! Fabulous! That must be a new Sardines record! 366 00:22:16,768 --> 00:22:19,931 Wait till Norris McWhirter hears about this! 367 00:22:20,072 --> 00:22:21,596 And now on Open University, 368 00:22:21,740 --> 00:22:26,006 medieval population distribution patterns in lower Saxony. 369 00:22:27,979 --> 00:22:30,413 What did medieval people do before telly? 370 00:22:30,549 --> 00:22:32,881 They had their tea, didn't they? 371 00:22:39,858 --> 00:22:42,793 No, before telly was invented. 372 00:22:42,928 --> 00:22:45,897 Oh, they had cockfights. 373 00:22:46,031 --> 00:22:49,467 No wonder they all got the plague. 374 00:22:49,601 --> 00:22:51,967 That's Bernard Manning, isn't it? 375 00:22:52,104 --> 00:22:54,868 No, that's Julia Somerville. 376 00:22:55,006 --> 00:22:57,167 Oh, yeah, you're right. 377 00:22:57,309 --> 00:23:00,301 - I've done it with her. - Julia Somerville? 378 00:23:00,445 --> 00:23:02,913 - Yeah. - Done what? 379 00:23:03,048 --> 00:23:05,380 Watched the news. 380 00:23:12,758 --> 00:23:15,022 Right, that's five hours up. 381 00:23:15,160 --> 00:23:18,095 Got to be in the Guinness Book of Records by now! 382 00:23:18,230 --> 00:23:22,724 Where is everybody? I know I'm great at Sardines but this is ridiculous! 383 00:23:27,672 --> 00:23:30,937 Is that it, then? Is that the telly done for the night? 384 00:23:31,076 --> 00:23:35,809 I've got me "Emmerdale Farm" compilation on video if you fancy it. 385 00:23:35,947 --> 00:23:37,471 Not half! 386 00:23:37,616 --> 00:23:39,914 All right, I'll get the drinks in. 387 00:23:48,293 --> 00:23:51,660 That's him! That's the one! 388 00:23:51,797 --> 00:23:54,425 Bastard! I hate him! 389 00:23:54,566 --> 00:23:56,693 Who? 390 00:23:56,835 --> 00:23:59,804 No, that one there. The extra. 391 00:23:59,938 --> 00:24:04,466 He never says anything. He just drinks all day! 392 00:24:04,609 --> 00:24:05,974 Look at him! 393 00:24:06,111 --> 00:24:09,911 - He's gonna buy another drink! - Is that his own money? 394 00:24:10,048 --> 00:24:14,109 No, no, they fill his pockets full of change, 395 00:24:14,252 --> 00:24:16,049 push him into the Woolpack 396 00:24:16,188 --> 00:24:20,591 and shout, "Go on, mate, drink as much as you like!" 397 00:24:20,725 --> 00:24:24,627 And then at closing time they give him a wage packet. 398 00:24:24,763 --> 00:24:27,926 Lucky bastard! 399 00:24:28,066 --> 00:24:30,728 400 00:24:32,671 --> 00:24:36,004 I'm in the cupboard! 401 00:24:36,141 --> 00:24:38,666 Oh, bugger! 402 00:24:38,810 --> 00:24:41,074 Sounds like he's rumbled our game. 403 00:24:41,213 --> 00:24:43,647 Hello! 404 00:24:45,083 --> 00:24:46,778 What a bastard! 405 00:24:46,918 --> 00:24:51,252 Well, don't you worry. He can't get down the steps without us. 406 00:24:51,389 --> 00:24:53,789 Yodel-ay-me-hoo! 407 00:24:53,925 --> 00:24:56,450 ARRGH! 408 00:24:57,529 --> 00:24:59,793 But! Oh, God! Oh! 409 00:24:59,931 --> 00:25:03,128 Ugh! Eddie! My other leg! 410 00:25:05,537 --> 00:25:09,268 Hey, Spudgun, come and have a look at this! 411 00:25:09,407 --> 00:25:10,738 No! No! 412 00:25:16,748 --> 00:25:19,808 So, he fell off the ladder and broke his leg! 413 00:25:21,620 --> 00:25:26,580 Then he had an accident on the stairs and broke his other leg! 414 00:25:26,725 --> 00:25:29,717 So I thought, "We've got all this spare booze, 415 00:25:29,861 --> 00:25:34,491 "why not have everyone round for a bit of a drink and a dance?" 416 00:25:34,633 --> 00:25:38,967 - Do your impression again. - All right. Pass us that mop, mate. 417 00:25:39,971 --> 00:25:44,601 Obviously it would be better with a lot of sweat, you know. OK... 418 00:25:44,743 --> 00:25:46,711 Oh! Oh! 419 00:25:46,845 --> 00:25:50,042 Why won't anybody ever have it off with me? 420 00:25:50,181 --> 00:25:53,639 Maybe it's because I'm a big, fat, ugly bastard 421 00:25:53,785 --> 00:25:56,686 with a microscopic penis! 422 00:25:58,557 --> 00:25:59,854 Hello, Richie. 423 00:25:59,991 --> 00:26:03,620 What's going on? Who are all these people? 424 00:26:03,762 --> 00:26:06,162 These are all your friends, Richie. They turned up! 425 00:26:06,298 --> 00:26:08,425 I don't know people like this! 426 00:26:08,567 --> 00:26:10,432 All right, they're MY friends, 427 00:26:10,569 --> 00:26:13,538 but it's still your party no matter whose friends they are! 428 00:26:13,672 --> 00:26:17,335 Hey, the birthday boy's here! Hurray! 429 00:26:20,545 --> 00:26:22,513 There you are, see? 430 00:26:22,647 --> 00:26:26,174 Look how popular you are! 431 00:26:26,318 --> 00:26:27,785 Yeah! 432 00:26:27,919 --> 00:26:30,717 Yeah! This is my birthday party, isn't it? 433 00:26:30,855 --> 00:26:32,720 It's a bloody brilliant one as well! 434 00:26:32,857 --> 00:26:35,792 There must be a good 12 people here! 435 00:26:35,927 --> 00:26:37,986 Let's get organised! 436 00:26:38,129 --> 00:26:40,427 Right, everybody, shut up! Shut up! 437 00:26:40,565 --> 00:26:42,726 I'm here at last! Hello! 438 00:26:42,867 --> 00:26:47,566 Right, I want all the boys on this side with my birthday present, 439 00:26:47,706 --> 00:26:50,539 and all the cracking birds on this side 440 00:26:50,675 --> 00:26:53,610 ready to give me my big birthday kiss. 441 00:26:53,745 --> 00:26:56,680 Look lively! You're supposed to be enjoying yourselves! 442 00:26:56,815 --> 00:26:59,045 We were. 443 00:26:59,184 --> 00:27:01,152 Have you brought me a birthday present? 444 00:27:01,286 --> 00:27:03,777 - No. - Ooh! You get a forfeit, then! 445 00:27:03,922 --> 00:27:06,789 - What do you mean? - This! 446 00:27:06,925 --> 00:27:09,450 Don't mess with the party animal! 447 00:27:09,594 --> 00:27:12,722 Hi, bird! Get out! It's not your birthday! 448 00:27:12,864 --> 00:27:15,128 Wanna come for a ride with me? 449 00:27:15,266 --> 00:27:19,032 I know it looks like it but that's not my leg in there! 450 00:27:19,170 --> 00:27:23,129 No, no! You can't bash the birthday boy! Not on his birthday! 451 00:27:23,274 --> 00:27:25,765 See that? 452 00:27:25,910 --> 00:27:29,004 Right, everybody, I've decided what I'd like to do on my birthday 453 00:27:29,147 --> 00:27:34,278 is play birthday charades, so all you birds get your blouses off! 454 00:27:34,419 --> 00:27:38,048 - You're first, mate! - Who do you think you are? Get off! 455 00:27:38,189 --> 00:27:41,556 I think we should call the ambulance now. 456 00:27:43,228 --> 00:27:45,924 - It's my birthday! - What are you doing with my bird, git? 457 00:27:46,064 --> 00:27:48,259 I was just gonna grab her... 458 00:27:48,400 --> 00:27:49,765 - Who are you? - Who are you? 459 00:27:49,901 --> 00:27:51,698 - Don't you know who I am? - No. 460 00:27:51,836 --> 00:27:54,771 You're an arsehole, aren't ya? 461 00:27:54,906 --> 00:27:57,101 I'll tell you who I am, mate. 462 00:27:57,242 --> 00:28:00,439 My name is Richard Richard! 463 00:28:00,578 --> 00:28:02,443 I'm the birthday boy, 464 00:28:02,580 --> 00:28:04,946 and don't you ever forget it! 465 00:28:05,083 --> 00:28:07,574 - You're the birthday boy, are you? - Yes. 466 00:28:07,719 --> 00:28:11,450 - We should give you the bumps. - Yes, you jolly well should! 467 00:28:11,589 --> 00:28:14,649 - Shall we give him the bumps? - YEAH! 468 00:28:14,793 --> 00:28:16,283 No! 469 00:28:16,428 --> 00:28:19,226 - How old are you? - Two! No, one! 470 00:28:19,364 --> 00:28:22,128 Happy birthday, Richie. Break a leg!